TGIF - I guess

Good morning! How are you? I am great. I have been using a new app. that tracks happiness. It is pretty cool so far. It really pin points what makes you happy. I am looking forward to seeing how the next few weeks go with the app. Work has been crazy. I have been super busy and super stressed. They are changing our schedule and people are freaking out about it. It is unreal. Plus it is a total waste, but what can you do? Other than work, nothing too exciting is new. I am really getting into essential oils. They seem to be helping my stress level and keep me grounded. So it snowed in Tahoe the other day - like 2 feet. Awesome. I wish I was there. There are days I wish I could just go and not come back. Trouble with that is that I would miss my puppies and friends. lol Anyway, have a good one. I will write tomorrow since I am stuck at work.

Another week! Canceled WDW trip.

Good morning! Happy Tuesday! I'm not sure how happy it is. I didn't go in to work yesterday. I literally slept until 1100. If someone hadn't sent me a text I probably would have slept all day. That worries me a little. I am not sure what is wrong. I usually don't sleep and now it is too much. What is up?! Luckily I need to schedule an appointment with my ADHD doctor and my regular physician so that should clear things up one way or another. Not a lot is going on. I found out my DH wants to trade the VW in with the Jeep next summer when the lease is up. Bummer. Oh well. What can I do. It is in his name anyway. I guess if that is the way out of the VW so be it. I was supposed to go to FL this week for a concert at WDW. Didn't happen. I canceled the trip. Long story. Now I have airline credit so I hope to go for my bday! I haven't heard anything about Disneyland yet. I am hoping I hear something this week or next. I am anxious to get an interview. Fingers crossed for sure. I am starting to think about Christmas and trying to figure out gift ideas. Ugh. What a pain. We don't need anything, you know? I think we will just buy for some kids in need again like last year. It was so much fun shopping for them. I am fortunate for everything we have so I have no problem giving. I know some kids will have a good Christmas if we do.

Happy Friday!

I am happy to report that someone is reading this! Holy cow. I thought I was just throwing my stuff out there into the abyss. I am glad to see the report that people are checking this page out. Very cool. I am so happy it is Friday. This has been quite a week. Up, down, up, and down. UGH. That is stressful. I am looking forward to a great weekend, not like that is different from any other Friday lol. I got a massage yesterday. I really needed that. Plus my massage therapist is awesome. Always encouraging me. Its nice. My dream job closed a couple of days ago. I hope I hear something soon. I would kill for an opportunity. It would be nice to have a choice for once, you know? I have been here for 18 years. UGH. I am not excited about the moving possibility. I cannot afford anything. I am not sure what I will do about that. Anyway, I have bowling tonight so I hope we take all 7 points! We are in 8th place currently. :) Have a great weekend!

What a day / night it was...

Yesterday was going well until I got in a text argument with someone which was totally unnecessary. Unreal actually. My thing is this...if I am such a pain in the ass just stop talking to me. Ya know? Don't do me any favors. Anyway so I am at work and just finished certifying with my canine partner and I was told we were going to 24/7 coverage starting tomorrow (today). Well, how is that going to happen? Everyone else is covered by the union so they are required to get two weeks notice of shift changes. Since I am not covered, me and my coworker have to fill the gaps. WHAT?!??!?! How can we do that for two weeks. This place is insane. Anyway, we came up with a schedule for the officers and hopefully they will just accept that this will take place in two weeks. Needless to say I left two plus hours late and had a raging headache. I got home and all I wanted to do was go out to eat and go to Digz. I was done. The last three days had been really stressful. I thought about it and did the right thing. I did not go out or to Digz. I'm really glad too, I actually lost 6 lbs already! I will remain on track and stay focused. If I can get through three days of headache and stress I can get through anything. Today was my last day of Healthy Mind and Body. I am so thankful that I had that opportunity. If it wasn't for that program I think I would really have lost it yesterday. Thank you, Rod Hairston.

The past just won't go away

I can't get into specifics but I am so tired of having the past brought up all the time. Ugh. It already happened, everyone learned from it...move on. Let it go. The only way to move forward is to stop looking back. What is the point of bringing up old crap that everyone should be over? Annoying. There is no benefit. Only finger pointing and blame and making people feel crappy. That is far from positive. Live in the now. Be present. I have given up on all the I used to be able to squat 225 crap. I wish I hadn't stopped working out so much but I can't do anything about it since it is over. I can only focus on now and hope I learned from the past and can be better than I was. That's it. Secret to life...live in the now. Its much happier there. That was my yesterday. Today has been better. It started rocky...I fell asleep driving three times on my way into work. Not good. The last time was really close and it scared me awake. Thank goodness. We are doing certification at work today. Aldo was crazy at first but we are pulling through. Fingers crossed all goes well. The dream Disney job should close today. I hope to hear something soon. Fingers crossed again. I could use a change of scenery. It would be a whole new life. Anyway, happy Wednesday!!!!

Back to the grind

Getting back in the swing of things at work is not easy once you have been on vacation. It is extra hard when you are sick once you get back from vacation. My cold is finally leaving but I am so tired. Its like I cannot get enough sleep. Right now, I wish I could go home and sleep and I just got here. LOL I have just two days left of my Isagenix Healthy Mind and Body program. It has really been great and I am almost sad to see it end. It has made me more positive for the most part and more grateful for sure. Both very good and important things. It is so easy to take things for granted. Speaking of Isagenix, I started back on my program yesterday. I ended my day with a killer headache but I actually feel better this morning. Well, I hope you have a great day and a great week!

Disneyworld trip

I just got back from Disneyworld and I had a blast! We went to the Mickey's not so scary Halloween party and dressed up as characters from Wreck it Ralph. It was so fun! We watched the Boo to you parade and everyone in the parade was freaking out about our costumes! Aladdin came over and said something, Mickey Mouse made a big deal, etc. It was amazing! We had a great time! I will post pics asap. The remainder of our trip was good. I would say the highlight was the Halloween party and parade though.

What doesn't kill you makes you wish it would lol

Wow it has been a couple of days. I have had major breakthroughs but they have not been without causalities. The friend that doesn't give me time. Wow. I confronted them and found out a lot of information I was missing. In turn, they did too. They took my being upset that they spent time with randoms as contradicting me telling them to stop isolating themselves. That is not the case. I am excited they are going out. I'm sad its not with me. Then they explained about their goal and their why. They are so focused they cannot miss a day working on their goal. Not even for friends. Well, that makes more sense and makes me feel it isn't because of me. Meanwhile I have totally bailed on my health. Ugh. I'm embarrassed I let it get this bad. Why did I just say who cares? I do! Unreal. So...the battle begins again. :) Thank goodness for that. I'm tired of being tired lol. Oh the good side this is all progress. Knowing I can confront issues and not hide from them is pretty big. Especially when there is potential of getting hurt in during that confrontation. I am disappointed in myself. I know better than to take my eye off the main prize for even a second. I now need to refocus and get myself back on track. The fabulous news is that I know I can do it and I will.

Wet weekend

I am so tired of the rain. Ugh. I know we need it but everyone is a grump lol. Anyway, my weekend was great! We bowled great on Friday night and it was really fun. Saturday we had to pre-bowl because of the WDW trip and Angie was late. She told us 1530. She got there and lost her mind on my DH about how we weren't supposed to be there until 1600 and that she told us that. No, none of us heard that. So she tells us to bowl and we start and I hear her still going off about it. I said I was done and that I wasn't going to listen to that for the rest of the day. She left. I'm sorry but we don't need to hear all that bitching when it really is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Luckily, she came back and we continued bowling. After bowling we went to Digz and the highlight of my weekend happened. Jesse came to the table and asked me what size shirt I wear. I said M and he handed me a shirt - hot off the press. They aren't even on sale yet. AWESOME! It was the OCP shirt I came up with. I got the first one. I love that place. I gave him a hug and I could not be more excited. Its cool to see something you think of come to light. Sunday was great too. I slept in which is rare. Don't get me wrong, I was up with the dogs a few times but I actually went back to bed and slept until 1000. That is amazing. The rest of the day? I didn't do too much but it was a good day. Here we are on Monday and just a few days to FL. I cannot wait to get away.

TGIF! Long week

Yesterday I actually was feeling pretty good towards the end of my work day. Unfortunately a text conversation from the night before had me thinking. I realize there are people in my life that make me feel bad or like I am crap. It sucks to admit that my parents are in that category. I know they love me but they say stupid shit that is hurtful. One of my friends does this too. I realize they all mean well but damn. I am working really hard to love and accept myself and those people are not helping me. I posted on IG the other night about letting go and being at peace with it. I meant work. My friend texted and asked if it was about them. I pretty much said if the shoe fits. My thing is if you think it is about you, then you must know you are hurting me. They got all pissed and told me off and I tried to explain to no avail. I was told I always do the same thing but in reality this is a totally new situation. I am standing up to someone hurting me. Not intentionally hurting me. I tried to explain that I am stressed about applying for this job and thinking about my parents non-approval and I am tired. They said I was holding back. I wasn't. I just couldn't get all of that out before they jumped on me about other stuff. I said I wasn't going to put up with that and they flipped. We are no longer going to be friends. I will not be allowed back in their life and it sucks. I am so much better than I was yet still not good enough. The cycle continues. I'm just wondering when I will meet someone who treats me the way I treat them? Am I not worthy of having someone share their incredible gifts with me? I have numerous friends that do treat me awesome and we share a lot of great time together. My DH is amazing. He is funny and loves me and my flaws. I just don't get why I can't share time with others who are more "available". I am not sure that will even translate. I hate that this former friend would rather go to the gym or an appointment than hang out with me after I traveled to see them. What do I do with that? What is wrong with me that they don't make me the priority I make them? Friendships are like flowers, you have to water them to grow. I guess they are out of water. :(

blah blah blah

Ok let me first apologize. This isn't going to be super pretty. I am going to vent. If it bothers you then stop reading. Why did I agree to work a double. Doesn't matter, here I am. I am so tired. I might have gotten 4 hours of sleep and my annoyance level is off the charts right now. UGH. The Healthy Mind and Body program has done wonders for me as far as outlook and everything. I need it to get me to learn from past mistakes and keep me from making them over and over again. Seriously. How many times can I accept being treated like crap. UGH. I would go off one someone who kept returning to the same stupid crap. Holy cow. I give up! I am no longer trying to accommodate or make others happy. I am happy but I just need to focus on me...I cannot give any more to people who don't 1. Accept what I give, 2. care, 3. give me the time of day. There it is. Ok. Time to learn, get passed it and move on and don't look back! LOL See...the program is working. I just need to vent and hello happy is back. It isn't worth it. I know this. I just hate it when things don't work out that I try so hard to make good. You know? Anyway, thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration and tired crap. I hope everyone has a great night. I will! I will be sure of it!

catching up with an old friend

In my quest to find out more information about that potential job, I contacted a few old VLK friends to see if they could tell me anything. I spoke to a couple via messenger and last night I spoke to one of my favorite people in the entire world. It is amazing what happens when you speak to someone who really cares about you as much as you care about them. He makes my heart happy. I am glad to say my husband loves him as much as I do. :) Anyway, it was so great to talk again. It has been too long. He is doing well and we talked about a lot. We mostly spoke about this job possibility. He said when he saw it was posted he thought of me immediately and said that has to be my dream job. He said that job for me would be the equivalent of him getting a K9 job for the Steelers. Yep. Just like that. He said he hopes it happens and that I go for it. Life is too short to be miserable. We should do what makes us happy. Right. That right there...honestly, that is it. Money is nice but it isn't everything. I am not really sure what would happen if I got this opportunity. Would I take it? Should I? Who knows. I would love to have to weigh that decision. Anyway, I am all smiles today thinking about last night. I'm sure after hour 12 today I will be dragging ass. When I signed up for 14 hours today it seemed like a good idea. LOL

Exciting stuff!

I am excited. Not only do we have 9 days until WDW but I applied for a job at Disneyland. Its for K9. I even spoke to someone about it at length. I am kind of excited about it. I realize other people are putting in for it and I might not get an interview but...if a job could be perfect for me, that is it. Of course I am not sure what would happen if I was offered the job. I am not sure about anything if that situation becomes reality. Yikes. I am still excited! That might be crazy but I think it would be an amazing adventure to move across the country. I do not know a soul in that area of California. lol Other than that, the WDW trip is coming fast. I can't believe it! I am excited about that too. My costume is almost finished. I am taking the wig to my hairdresser to have her cut it. I know if I do it I might look like a mess. LOL Anyway. I am starting to realize I don't need much to be happy in life. I think that is amazing. I have been noticing I look at things a lot different than I used to. I realize some of the issues I thought were me in certain friendships, aren't me after all. It just is what it is. Maybe people don't put as much value on the same things as I do or treat people the same way or give as much. Its cool. I can only worry about me and I will keep doing what I do. I don't expect anything extra from anyone. Hopefully one of these days someone will surprise me. :)

Great week and its almost Friday!

This week has been a little crazy but a lot of fun overall. Tuesday night was the best! We had league practice and our team invited some additional people. We get there and we get three lanes, me, my sweetie, Angie and her boys, my cousin Amy, Kay, a friend and his sweetie and a friend from my work. It was so much fun. I ended up getting a 166 with the new ball which is excellent. We even got Amy and Kay's sweetie to stop getting gutter balls. We didn't leave the bowling alley until after 9pm. Needless to say, I couldn't get up on Wednesday so I took the day. The pictures and videos from bowling practice came out pretty good. It is obvious we were having a blast! I love my team. Anyway, other than that things are pretty good. Work is looking at a 24/7 schedule which is crazy. I am not sure how I can make that happen when we don't have enough people. Ugh. My mom is here visiting which is nice. The dogs will be super happy to have her around during my work hours. She is recuperating from surgery she had last week. She goes home next week and then I will see her a week later in Florida. Today makes us two weeks out for Disneyworld. Holy Cow that came up fast. It will be great. I have been looking forward to it forever. I need to get away. Anyway, have a great Thursday!

Difficult

This not mentioning certain friends is proving to be difficult as a lot of my drama is from them. LOL I have learned a lot from that...don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for them and the stuff they put me through. Anyway. I am finally back on Isagenix. My clothes were looking pretty bad there for a minute. YIKES. I need to lose this little bit I put back on. I am 30 days into my Healthy Mind and Body program and I still love it. It has made me look at everything in a totally different way. The biggest change is that I have more energy when I wake up. I am only a few days into Isagenix so I know it isn't from that. Work is bearable. I am doing the best I can and keeping to myself. Hopefully that will get me through. I plan to get back to the gym soon. I need to go and get rid of some stress. I have been clenching my teeth pretty badly at night. I'm trying to think what else is new. I got a new bowling ball and I am really not good with it lol. I am going to practice tonight to try to improve before Friday night. Wish me luck!

Life is...funny

I just completed my Healthy Mind and Body assignments for the day. Life is funny sometimes. I had to write out a statement to someone I am grateful for in my life. I also had to list three people who are role models for performance for me. Life is funny because someone I thought was an issue for me ended up being someone I find myself being very grateful for. Maybe it is because of how hard I have worked dealing with them or maybe it is because after a decade of me trying to push them away, they are still here. Ironically, they were also one of my performance role models. They have been a beast in the gym and the gains are showing! I want that. I want that determination and drive. I want to need the gym again. I miss it. I have been very happy with this program but this week is honestly kicking my ass. I am so tired. When I am not tired, I have a headache which is worse. Ugh. I just want to sleep all day lol. Unfortunately for me I am working tomorrow. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to have that opportunity for the extra hours. I just need to rest. I am hoping on Sunday that I can just stay in my pjs all day lol. Not kidding. Next week will be busy at work but I hope to find time to relax. I am hoping to see my mom which will be great. Anyway, have an amazing weekend! Talk to you next week.

Wednesday!!! Half way there!

Today is Wednesday and usually that means we are half way to the weekend. I am lucky enough to be working OT this weekend. It seemed like a good idea at the time lol. Anyway, I am going through detox headaches so that is super fun. At least I am back on track. There are only 21 days until Disney! Tonight we are going to the bowling alley for some practice time. I totally need it. I am getting a new ball drilled for fingertip so we will see how that goes. We are currently in 11th place which is not good. I joined for fun but one of the teammates is super serious lol. I didn't want that stress. Anyway, just thought I would check in. Have a great Wednesday!

Monday morning

Good morning! I woke up energized and happy again which is awesome. Unfortunately once I drank my shake, I am feeling nauseated. Yuck. I hope it passes. I cannot stay at work with this gunbelt on feeling like I am going to throw up. Day one is rough so far. Anyway, on a more positive note, I have been progressing nicely. I am loving the program, today is day 22 I believe. I feel more at peace for sure. I made a positive decision to just do my thing and not concern myself with others. I will still care for my friends and family, I just cannot be concerned about their negative behavior or outlook. I can only take care of me. If they become more positive, I will welcome them with open arms. Otherwise, I cannot try to be in their lives if they won't make the time for anyone. I have improved a lot with technology. I have been leaving my phone in my car or bag while out with friends. I want to be present. My attention span is small enough without extra distractions. I am just about done with my Halloween costume. I am excited for the Disneyworld trip and to wear the costume to the party. It will be a blast. The trip will be awesome and the kids will have a great time. Anyway I better get back to work. I just wanted to update everything. Have a great Monday!

Things are happening

Well I am beyond happy to report that there have been some major changes in my life. Things that used to be on my mind a lot aren't any longer. That alone is huge. The other changes are that I am back on my healthy eating, I am focusing on the positive, not dwelling on things and pretty much letting those little annoyances of work go. My house is clean, I am more organized, I am doing my best at work and working on my vision board for the future. Today's Healthy Mind and Body video talked a little more about the deception phase which is where I am. The video suggested that I try to work on my vision more. To change, you must have a positive and vivid vision, good self talk and positive body language. The video said the following about vision: What I focus on I find. What I focus on seems real. What I focus on grows. What I focus on, I ultimately become. This is so true. If you focus on what you don't want to be, you usually become that. You have to focus on what you want. This makes total sense to me. I am looking forward to the rest of this program. It will be my new way of life and I will continue to learn and grow. It is so exciting!

Happy, procrastination and doom

I am 29 days out for the Disney trip. I have to get back on track! I keep putting it off. Typical since I am in the deception phase...I am allowing "Ellen" to procrastinate. I need to kick Ellen in the butt and get moving towards my goals. My mindset is almost there. Off topic, 9/11 is coming up fast. I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaked out about it. I just feel like I don't want to be at work that day. Of course, I have no choice. I am just concerned. I hope everything goes well and that my DH and I go home safe, which is my hope for every day. I just get edgy as the date comes closer. I apologize in advance for that.

Friends, fun and procrastination

I am on day 14 of my Healthy Mind and Body program and I am still loving it. I continue to progress and really look at things differently. Loving it! Yesterday was a great day. We went to a house warming party for someone we work with and I had a really good time. I know it is important to be present and be there for our friends. After that we went to RVA to play Cards Against Humanity. OMG. So fun and so awful lol. Again, awesome to spend quality time with friends. Got home a little before 4am lol. Today I am supposed to be cleaning for my family visiting Tuesday. I cleaned up the yard and straightened up. I am trying to convince my DH to go for an adventure...road trip in the jeep lol. Typical procrastination on my part. Have a great day!

Enthusiasm!

Today I logged into my Healthy Mind and Body program for my daily assignment and I have to admit I really like it. I love the Rod Hairston videos and the assignments. I love understanding why I am programmed the way I am and how this is going to reprogram my way of thinking. It already has. I wake up happy and excited and its very different from before. I understand how I keep adding to my vision each day which makes my desire that much stronger. I am excited. I know I will be successful.

Swollen eyes, old patterns, new patterns, changes

My eyes are so swollen. It has been a rough couple of days. I will attempt to explain what has gone on without too much information. I had yet another heated argument about my program and my alleged inability to learn. I am fully aware that I can learn and change or I wouldn't sign up for a 60 day program that reprograms old thinking and behavioral patterns. Long story short, I was told I was impossible, stupid, stubborn, a bitch, an asshole, an idiot, that I do not learn, to shut the fuck up, to fuck off, and I cannot remember the other stuff. Through this conversation I realized an old pattern that was connected to another one of my old patterns. I have an issue with rejection. I also have an issue with pushing people away that hurt me. Ironic...I push and they go which is being rejected. WOW. I am indeed a mess. But, I am not stuck there. Awareness is huge and now I will work on not pushing people away and actually telling them what I am feeling instead of just pushing them away. I internalize everything. I can handle it, I tell myself. But, I don't handle it. Eventually it gets to be so much that it all explodes all over me and whoever is in my immediate area. I realize it is codependency to think that I cannot burden others with what is going on with me. I want everyone to be happy. I need to start working on making me happy. I like being happy lol. When I attempted to work on my health and fitness in the past I was very positive about it and in turn, everyone I was around was positive and smiling and talking to me. Random hellos in the hallways of the building, etc. If you are projecting that positivism, it is contagious. I was able to reach amazing goals but I was unable to maintain it at that level since I hadn't adjusted my mindset and patterns. I know I will be successful this time because I am going to reset those old ways of thinking which will keep that self sabotage away. As of right now I am in the deception phase of this and my old ways are fighting this new program. It has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I have to push through so I will be successful in everything I begin. I started three vision boards so far in my program. I will probably add another just to cover all my bases. I know when you picture things, your subconscious starts to make them happen. I cannot wait for that to start happening!

Beginning in September

I will no longer post about issues with my journey. I will keep friends/whatever out of it. I will focus on the positive happenings and the actual journey itself. I realize I am currently in the deception phase. It is where old habits show up. Excuses, doubt...it clashes with the new thinking, the new habits. Instead of letting it happen, I need to push back, be excited I am here and I need to resist the old habits and push on. Stay focus. Its hard but I need to get through this for the long term changes to happen. Imagine what you want. Picture it. Your unconscious mind cannot tell the difference of what is real and what is not...give it something worth becoming.

how did this happen

I don't know what happened. Yesterday was yet another happy and great day. I texted with a friend and it went down hill fast. I honestly do not understand what happened. I can't really get into too much information as they are angry at me and told me this blog is stupid and that I should get real help. Ironic that I have been doing so much better with everything. I realized I had been trying to put everyone first instead of me. To a fault. I was trying to fit into some "perfect" mold for each person which is exhausting and you end up losing yourself. No wonder I don't feel like I matter sometimes. I wasn't even considering myself at all. That is changing now. It might not be for the best for everyone but I cannot concern myself with that anymore. I value myself and what I care about is important to me. Its funny when people think you should do something that might not work for you and when you tell them that, you are a problem and you will never get better or learn. I'm not a moron. I learn. I have to look at it before reacting. I am all about impulse and I have been working hard to make solid decisions based on facts and not just going with my emotional reaction. This is a big step for me and I refuse to go back to my old ways. I've been on my new medication for a few weeks now and have not had any adverse reactions until last night. Something that was far from my mind, I was suddenly accused of thinking. The longer I was told how messed up I was and how wrong I am with everything because it isn't the way someone else likes it or does it, the more it was like that idea made the best sense. Then I tried to reason with myself...make a list of reasons it isn't what I should do. I drew a blank. Creeping lower and lower, the tears were never ending and I was being told that I need to take care of it. I don't believe the person knew what I was thinking on the other end of the phone. Needless to say, I called my doctor and was told to stop taking the medication. I have been trying so hard to make people happy and have made myself miserable in the process. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of happy moments. I just think that internalizing everything is going to kill me. I have the feeling of impending doom. Maybe it is the fact that six police officers were killed in the line of duty in six days. One just gassing up his vehicle. What kind of society feels that is ok? Why would we put this badge on to help a society that spits in your face? Its a very trying time to be a police officer. Its very trying to go to work every day into a hostile work environment where people are trying to push everyone else around and treat them like shit. Where you work your ass off and get shit on daily. For what? I might not be blogging about this stuff any more since I was told it wasn't helping me and blah blah blah. I have nobody reading it which is great. I am just getting shit out of my head and out there. If someone tells you they care but are pushing you as you are standing on a ledge, what do you do with that? On one hand only one person would know what happened - why it happened and that they pushed me into the blackness, the hopelessness. On the other everyone else would be shocked and saddened, no clue I was in that hole, not being able to come up with one reason to climb out. How awful. Yet, how amazing that the same horrible codependency that has screwed up so many relationships and the way I view myself is the same codependency that again has taken that weapon out of my hand. Actually, I was so low I didn't even go for one. I just wanted to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. I would hate to have been on the opposite side of this situation and have the alternative happen. I would never forgive myself. I sent one last message because I didn't think they realized I had backed into a corner and was at this very critical crossroad. They blew me off. They thought I wanted them out of my life and that I will keep making the same mistakes. Push. Jump. Pull. Thankfully I thought of my friend, Roger. I realized I have been given the gift of time. He didn't have that. He reacted to a situation right there. I thought about that. So, I had time to step back for a minute and realize this wasn't me. They are wrong. I am not done here. I might be over the police situation but I have a lot to give. That person might not want it, but a lot of people do. If you have someone going through some shit, or just seems hopeless, don't push them. Tell them good things. I needed them to tell me why they care, not tell me how my way of dealing is wrong, that I make mistakes, that my program is crap and nothing will ever change. If someone feels like they have no reason to go on, you shouldn't agree and give them more reasons to think that. How dare you judge and tell me my way is wrong. Its wrong for you. Yeah, because you have been so successful with your way. I try so hard to be everything they want yet nothing is good enough. I could look like Christmas Abbott and be perfect with everything and they would find fault or still decide that I don't deserve their time...like it is more valuable than mine. I get that if someone bends over backwards for you, they don't respect themselves which is difficult to respect but damn. Treat them like you are friends. Be there to talk them off the ledge, back into a safe place, don't convince them to jump. I have no idea what to do with this. I have no idea how it got here. I know I am not going to do anything stupid. I am going to continue with my program and really work on things as planned. I have been trying to make someone happy for over a decade. they need to make themselves happy. I realize they aren't going to make me happy. They don't consider me at all. They don't make me feel like I matter, they don't value my opinion, they do not compliment me, they listen to respond and usually one up, they are always picking me apart and are angry and just don't have time for me. They win. I can't make them happy and I am going to stop trying. They have invited me to do something once in almost 11 years. Once. Yeah. I am worth it. I have a lot of gifts to give and I am going to continue doing my thing. It makes me happy most of the time and it seems to do the same to those around me.

Things are changing!

Ok so other than the headache I have had all week, other things are changing. I got rid of the headache last night which is great. The big change is that I woke up happy. Seriously, this might sound like no big deal but it is actually huge for me. I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and in a fabulous mood. This is awesome. Just feeling great when I got up has fueled me to feel that way today, period. I would think it is safe to say that my program is working. I realize I am only on day five of 60, but it is still awesome. I am looking forward to our league meeting tonight and seeing my BFF's kids. They have been gone all summer and I miss those little smiling faces. I'm all set to have a great weekend. I hope you are too!

Forgot to post about the weekend!

This weekend was Angie's 40th bday. She had plans after work on Friday already but Saturday was great with me. We went to a movie, had lunch, went to Digz and bowled. It was great. I had a lot of fun and she did too. Then the friend that I was unsure about had texted me asking to hang out. Literally that has never happened in the 10+ years we have known each other. I had plans and was not going to alter them for them since they would never do that for me. I am just amazed they thought of me. Quite happy they did. I hope my not coming to hang out has not jeopardized it happening again in the future. Anyway, that is all I missed. Have a great Monday!

Day 1 of 60

Today I started my new program. I was able to complete a few written (computer) assignments that took just a few minutes. This is very important. I will complete the 60 days which pretty much reprograms you, enabling me to reach my health, fitness and overall life goals. Today was based on fitness, nutrition, mindset and why. I know this is going to help me stay on track and be more positive. I am so excited to get this started. I am looking forward to tomorrow's assignments already.

Healthy Mind and Body

My cousin is starting her 120 day challenge again. I am up for at least 90 days. There is a Disney trip in that 120 days lol. Ironically she emailed me today about a new program called Healthy Mind and Body from Isagenix. It is a daily commitment to get your mind, nutrition, fitness, energy, gratitude and performance all one the same page. In just a few minutes a day, you will get everything to balance out and make it easier to get to that goal. I am all in. I just signed up! Plus it is a win win, because you get a coupon after the program that is for more than the program costs! Awesome. I think it is exactly what I need to keep on track. That paired with my new medication should make it happen. I am excited and cannot wait until Monday. I can't remember the last time I ever said that. Anyway, have an amazing weekend! I will!

Happier and happier

Yep, its Thursday. I will be finding out how my bowling league did this summer in about an hour. I am excited LOL. I hope we did as well as we think. Regardless I think its awesome that my DH and I did well considering we are new. I am happy with any winnings coming my way. Speaking of happy, I am feeling much happier. I started looking at things a bit differently today and I think I will stick to that. I realized a while ago that I don't need all the stuff I have. I am fortunate to have a good paying job and a place to live, etc... It is all stuff and stuff does not matter. Its nice to have but I don't need any of it. Obviously this isn't news to anyone. The news is that I think I just need to live every day as a gift since it is. I am here, I am healthy, I am loved. That, right there is enough. The rest is a bonus. I am going to do my little thing and do it to the best of my ability. I am going to be kinder to myself which has been quite a struggle but I can't blame my childhood for everything that holds me back. After all, it is me that is doing it. I need to let all that go and move forward. :) I am also going to make this transition a lot easier by changing a few words in my vocabulary. I am going to replace I have to and I should to I get to. It is more positive even when it comes to working extra hours. I get to work overtime which will enable me to pay my car off faster.

So tired

I worked last night and could not get to sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm to come in early shift today and I am already dragging ass. Not good. I am probably going home in a few hours to go back to bed. I work nights the rest of the week so at least I will get some sleep. I am taking one of my best friends to the beach this weekend for her 40th bday. We both need to get away and the beach sounds perfect. I'm going to keep today short and sweet. I have a follow up dr. appt today, about my anxiety. It seems to be a lot better. I'm not dwelling on most things or letting things destroy me like they used to. Maybe I just ran out of fucks to give lol

misunderstood

A friend of mine totally misunderstood me this weekend. I was making an observation about something and they said I was complaining. I immediately felt like I can do nothing right. It made me question why we are friends. I am actually not sure if we should be. They make me feel bad about myself most of the time. That is not a way to live. They of course say its me and that they are just trying to point things out that I need to work on in order to be better. I guess it hurts because none of my other friends do that. They love me for me. They support me. Isn't that what friendship is about? This friendship goes back over a decade. I hurt my friend a long time ago and we didn't speak when they had a devastating loss in their family, I was not there for them. I feel guilty about it to this day. I have apologized 100 times, cried about it and have begged for forgiveness. They have forgiven me. I have not forgiven myself. I feel like I have not been good enough to be forgiven and accepted back to my former friend status with them. I can't do anything right. I say the wrong thing, and act the wrong way all the time. Its exhausting. Walking on eggshells and never saying what I mean is not a way to live. I am a recovering codependent. I hope I am not holding on because of codependency. I feel I would suffer a great loss if they weren't in my life but also I would have a weight lifted. Ugh. I have no idea what to do. I am sure they are in the same boat. It brought me to tears just yesterday. I try to be who they want me to be and it is too hard to do that. I realize they do not expect me to do that. I know they care about me and consider me a friend but I will never be at the same friendship level as before I hurt them and it kills me. I would do anything to go back and deal with them differently, years ago. Anything. As it stands, I do a lot now to try to be a good friend. I take time off, make time to visit and I get barely any of their time in return. I don't feel important or that I matter. Its very confusing when someone's words do not match their actions. I know I have like two people who read this and that my friend is not one of them. Perfect example...I guess I know what I should do. It just hurts to know I failed at this friendship and I have literally put myself out there, bending over backwards to make it work. They told me I am my only limit...that I hold myself back. I doubt they realized they were the one part of my past that I refused to let go. I wish I could go back. I wish I didn't hurt them and that I was there for them when they needed me. I wish I was still in their heart. I wish they cared as much as I do. I wish they would fight to stay friends. I wish they gave me the same considerations I give them. I wish they wanted to spend more time together. I wish they made me feel good about myself like they used to. I wish they understood what I need. I wish they realized how good I treat them. I wish this didn't come to this. I wish. I wonder if I have it in me to do this or if I will just keep trying to be whoever they wish I was.

Hostility

Last week one of my coworkers sent me a series of emails that were anything but civil. He accused me of harassing officers and a number of other things. Little does he realize that I do the schedules and answer to the main office when our schedule is not adding up. When I assign officers a task and then find out they aren't even here, there is a problem and that task doesn't get done. My asking where they are isn't harassment, it is accountability. I have to answer to the higher ups about these things. This is not a job that I assigned myself. It sucks. Regardless, I have to do it and deserve to know where the personnel are or what their hours are so I can report it. This coworker even went as far as to say something to his squad about it. I am guessing that is what happened. I worked his shift last Friday and they treated me like a disease. One guy talked to me out of three. Oh and one unfriended me on facebook. Asshat. I don't really care about the facebook thing since I am "friends" with people on there that I do not even like. Anyway, today I am much calmer about the situation but still annoyed about the people ignoring me. I don't want to leave the unit but I don't want this to be a constant struggle.

What is going on?

My BFF got me thinking. She said she had never seen me like this and that she didn't like it. That she wanted her Sarah back. I'm with her. I don't feel like me either. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get so emotional. I need to regain control and move on. I'm not sure what it is. I feel like my ADHD is out of control. There is so much chatter and noise in my head...cannot keep my thoughts at bay. Is it anxiety? Depression? What? Ugh. All I know is that since I have been back from our trip, my eye has been twitching and my ears are ringing. I am not happy here. I have to figure out what I should be doing because this is no longer it. Its not even the job. I love training dogs, I just don't get to do it. My job isn't hard, the people are. I have been in a male dominant field for over 20 years and I think I need some women in my life. LOL I am working on being more positive, which is causing me to deal with negative stuff head on. It isn't the most fun but it is the only way to get through this. I'm thankful that Angie is with me on this journey. She is going to help me a lot. I know she will be my friend no matter what. That seems to be difficult right now. I have had issues with one friend that seems ready to bail at any moment and I just find myself wanting to open that door for them so they can just go. I am pretty sure I need to get my ass back to the gym next week. I miss my guys. I have to get to work. Have a fabulous day! Dr. apt today to find out what is going on with me. Fingers crossed.

Rocky start to the month but great weekend

August is getting better. Had some issues with a friend but ended up having a great weekend. I didn't go in yesterday. Originally I had leave and was going to cancel it because plans fell through but I needed the day anyway. The weekend was fabulous! I got to hang out with my bestie, watched a couple of movies, went to dinner and went to Digz. The weather was superb and perfect for a drive with the top off of the jeep. Without the normal humidity, it felt like we were back in CA. I wish. I shouldn't wish but I do. I am so ready to go. The arguments with my friend have made me want to fast forward to CA and not having the stress of one way relationships and my job. It can be a clean break from all of it. I mean I realize I can pull that trigger now, but I am hopeful that things will change for the better. Optimistic to the core. I don't expect it, I just hope. The movies. We saw Train wreck and Pixels. OMG - we laughed so hard at Train Wreck that others were laughing at us. LOL. It was too funny. The sad thing is we might have to see it again to see the parts we missed due to laughing for 10 minutes straight. The part about the best sex of your life guy not being the guy you marry and that he is the guy in jail almost had us pee. LOL. Totally an inside joke on why we almost peed but funny, none the less. The other movie was Pixels. That was great too. Not a great movie overall but if you are a gamer from back in the day like I was, you will love it. They showed many of my favorites, Dig Dug, Joust, Pac Man and Donkey Kong. I have also decided I need to really get serious about Isagenix. I am spending the money yet have fallen off the wagon due to stress, laziness, depression, whatever. Doesn't matter. I need to get back on track. Today is cleanse day and I just need to make this happen. I will be happier and feel better if I do. Thankfully, I have a massage today. I need it so badly. I plan to go home and crash after that appointment. Have a great day and I will be back tomorrow or Thursday.

Hello August

I'm hoping August is a better month. I had a rough week. Coming back to work was difficult enough but then one of my friends canceled plans with me and I was heartbroken. We haven't hung out since April and I miss them. Looking at the current situation, I am not optimistic about August either. I just get a little down when things get cancelled since I look forward to seeing friends. It's a bit of a downer. I usually plan something else and it's fine, though. Now that I am back to work, I am back to the gym. I will just get my focus back and work on me. I just need to focus on me and things will improve.

Unbelievable, yet totally believable

Yesterday was my first day back to work and wow, what a mess. I am glad it was crazy because it went pretty fast. I did, however have one issue with my day which luckily I am not mad about any longer. Before I went on vacation, I had made plans with a friend to hang out in August. We were having a text convo yesterday and I jokingly asked if they were busy the day we had made plans. They said they weren't sure about that date. WTF. I was beyond pissed off. I am so tired of treating people better than they treat me. I mean really? You don't know?! I put in for leave! Asshat. Oh well. I guess they just proved they are no longer worth my time or effort. Considering what I have put up with over the span of our friendship, its been a long time coming. This was just the last straw. Ironically, I am actually ok with it this am. I was bummed a little yesterday after getting over being pissed. I am better off not having friends that don't consider my time important or just hope they might have a better option. Screw that.

Back from vacation...

I just had the most amazing trip back to California. It is so good to go home. Too good, in fact. I didn't want to come back. I believe if I didn't have pets, I would have stayed. Just a quick recap of the trip, in case anyone is interested. ;) Arrived in San Francisco and drove to Lake Tahoe. We met up with friends celebrating their 25th anniversary, went to dinner, hiked, toured and gambled. After they left, my DH and I continued hiking, shopping, toured ski resorts, took gondola and tram rides, went out on the lake on SUPs, went to a concert and scouted the area for potential relocation in the near future. After our Tahoe adventures we headed to the bay area to visit my family and continue checking out the local scene. We checked out a few areas we had never been, went to Mavericks, Santa Cruz and spent time in the city. It was an amazing trip. It seemed to go so fast and photos do not do it justice. OMG. It is so pretty in the Tahoe area. I cannot even describe the blue...its like blue on steroids. Mark Twain said it was the fairest picture the whole world affords. He also quipped,"To breathe the same air as the angels, you must go to Tahoe." John Muir also mentioned Lake Tahoe in many letters, calling it the "queen of lakes" and writing his friend Jeanne Carr that he had "sauntered through the piney woods, pausing countless times to absorb the blue glimpses of the lake, all so heavenly clean, so terrestrial yet so openly spiritual." He wrote further, "The soul of Indian summer is brooding this blue water, and it enters one's being as nothing else does. Tahoe is surely not one but many. As I curve around its heads and bays and look far out on its level sky fairly tinted and fading in pensive air, I am reminded of all the mountain lakes I ever knew, as if this were a kind of water heaven to which they all had come." I feel the same way. It is breathtaking. If you haven't gone, you should. It will change your definition of beautiful. The 12 X 22 mile body of water has 70 feet of visual clarity...you can see 70 feet down. It is also breathtaking, quite literally. If you fall off a SUP in the darkest parts of the lake, it will take your breath away. Take my word for it. ;) I am now on the job hunt in an aggressive manner. I found the area I want to live in and I am going to do everything in my power to get this plan in motion within the next year. Fingers crossed.

Not a case of the Mondays in sight

Heading back to the gym in a couple of hours. OMG I am dreading it. The guy I usually work out with isn't going to be there. Bummer. The other guy isn't as easy going about things. Work has been good lately now that I have decided to just do my thing and not be concerned about the stuff other people fail to do. That seems to be helping a bit. Of course I am going on vacation this week so that might have something to do with it lol. Its funny. Part of me wishes I had some time off while at home so I can catch up with cleaning and stuff but I know I would just do something else lol. Omg I am really looking forward to paddleboarding again. It should be amazing on the lake too. I am so excited! Anyway, just wanted to write something to keep it a habit. Have a great Monday!

Sunday fun day

Good morning! What an amazing weekend! I had a blast and I hope you did too. I am continuing to progress and I am back on FB and IG. I even started back on Snocru. This week should fly by. I'm really looking forward to my time off. I need to recharge my batteries and leave all the bs behind. For good. Ironically a friend has been away and I haven't heard a peep. I'm curious how they are. Hopefully good. I guess I don't rate an update. Lol Why would that surprise me. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It is what it is and never will be what it was. Glad I got my workout in already and now I have the entire day to myself. Happy Sunday!

on a roll this week

I am on a roll! I am trying to make this blog part of my normal routine. I am not sure how long that will go on, but so far so good. My workout yesterday was a bit rough. I am sore today and I think I could have slept for another few hours. Too bad I couldn't lol. I noticed I am not as red faced after my workout than I usually am. I guess I am getting used to being back at it. Unfortunately the trainers just keep adding to the workout. Next week all the reps go up. Ironically, I did notice a bit of a change in my abs and stomach which is awesome. I have a pic but this computer won't let me add it. I will have to remember to do that later. I am noticing a lot of differences with me in regard to being more positive. Once you stop holding on to the past and really look each situation, you see things much clearer. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I will have moments but things are looking great right now. The only thing that stinks is that I would like to talk to one of my friends about all of this and I am not able to at the moment. They are out of state so I will have to share all these updates with them later. Its funny how you want to tell someone right away when you have an epiphany. Speaking of being out of state, I cannot wait to be on vacation. I already wish I was. Maybe one of these years I will save up my leave so I can take a few weeks off at one time. I don't think I would know how to act lol. Anyway, thanks for dropping by and checking on my progress.

Tattoo trend question

Ok so my ADHD kicked in. I am curious. I have seen a ton of thigh tattoos lately. Is that the new body part of choice? I have been looking at getting another tattoo but I have to wait until I have a different job. I just don't get the thigh. Maybe it is just me. It seems crazy just floating there. I could understand if it was part of a larger project...am I alone in this? Its ok if I am, I just was curious if this is the new hot thing.

I woke up feeling energized and focused. I spoke to my friend about the negativity and that actually went better than expected. Ironically, I woke up realizing that entire friendship is going to be a lot easier to deal with from now on. I actually can't wait to talk to them and explain what I have figured out about the strain we have felt! I am going to hit the gym today after work, I am still working on my positive stuff and I am feeling great! I am on track and the future is looking bright. Enough about that stuff. I am going on vacation in less than two weeks. I am so excited. I hope I get on the plane lol. That seems to be an issue the last few times I have flown. Standby isn't the greatest way to travel but, beggars can't be choosers. Other than vacation and my positive journey, nothing is really new. I figured I would blog even if there was nothing to talk about, simply because it will become a habit and lower my stress. I am all for anything to reduce stress these days.

Weekend

I'm hoping everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine was simple which was pretty good. I was worried about what might happen which I realize is an unnecessary stress. If something happens I can't stop it if I'm at home. Unfortunately I was exposed to the affects of second hand negativity. I'm not sure that is a real thing but I felt it. It made me realize that we, as people do affect others. If those others care about you, your mood affects them even more. As you know I am on this journey to better myself and open myself up to all things positive. It's hard to be around negativity when you are trying to be positive. I'm taking a few days off of posting on IG and FB. I am excited to see how being away from negative comments and being ignored will be. I might also turn off my cell. I might be adding stress to one of my good friends' life. I can't be a negative for them so I'm going to split for a bit and give them the space they need. They are getting mad at everything and I can't be around that. I will check back with results! By the way, I haven't heard from George at all. Lol

TGIF!

Hello again! I am happy to say things are going well. I haven't had to use that rubber band much to silence that voice. I have actually acknowledged it and corrected it pretty quickly. I find myself correcting my bestie too. She beats up on herself and I just suggest that its temporary and not the end of the world. It is amazing how much better that feels than to feed into that negative stuff. I'm glad things are going well but I'm ready no matter what. On a different note, I am about to start my two weeks of really strict diet/exercise. I have been slacking and ironically I feel like that makes me sluggish too and easier to get me to fall into that negative downward spiral. We are going on vacation in two weeks so I want to feel my best when we go. I have been hitting the gym with the trainers at work regularly which is awesome. They aren't working today so I will have to workout when I get home. No issue there. I want results! I know with these changes, I will reach my goals in no time and will be setting new ones! Anyway, have a great holiday weekend!!!

July 1, 2015 - new month, new beginning, ADHD will no longer derail me

Hello again. Well, unfortunately I have learned that I am limiting myself in numerous aspects of my life. I have been reading up on how to follow through and what holds us back and if there is any correlation with ADHD. There is. Now I need a plan. I was reading another blog and the author was telling a story about being diagnosed with ADHD at 49 years old. He was in a group setting, eyes closed and told to think of a number of positives about himself pre diagnosis/medication. He was almost in tears. Everything he thought of had a but...attached to it. Wow. Welcome to my world. I'm glad someone else is here. Misery loves company, right? LOL Seriously, it sucks. The good news is it can be fixed and it doesn't have to be doom and gloom. I don't have to repeat mistakes and put myself in the "you always do this" category anymore. I am aware I have many good qualities but pre medication, I didn't believe I did. I thought I didn't get to my goals like good grades or fitness level because I was lazy or stupid. This is not the case. There is a lot of negative self talk happening and luckily I have a plan to stop this and the negative ADHD behaviors from taking over. The first step of my plan is to be aware of the negative self talk or the little person, lets call them George. My inner voice isn't a dude but George is just easier than picking a name of one of my friends lol. The second step, I am going to use a rubber band on my wrist to alert my attention to the situation when George is talking. This is the taking action step which will reduce and eliminate George. The third step is to insert positive talk. This will improve the derailing behaviors of ADHD. I will realize that if I do something I wish I hadn't, it is temporary, isolated and reversible. It is not the end of the world or the future. I will acknowledge the situation such as I screwed up but it doesn't mean that I am going to screw up everything. This will reduce the damage to self esteem. This will also enable me to get up, move forward and be energized. If something bad happens, I will put that fire out ASAP. If something good happens, I will enlarge that in order to be able to repeat that positive behavior. The main focus will be eliminating the negative and encouraging the positive. I know most of the time my getting overwhelmed due to stress has caused me to fall into the negative talk situation and I just continue to fall. I have started back in the gym which should keep the stress under control which will make this adjustment much easier and soon become my life and not something I need to remember to do. I will check back soon. I will. I'm sure my wrist will be killing me and maybe I will even take pics of it lol. If anyone else out there is going through this or has, I would love to hear how you got through it and any advice you can give me.