blah blah blah

Ok let me first apologize. This isn't going to be super pretty. I am going to vent. If it bothers you then stop reading. Why did I agree to work a double. Doesn't matter, here I am. I am so tired. I might have gotten 4 hours of sleep and my annoyance level is off the charts right now. UGH. The Healthy Mind and Body program has done wonders for me as far as outlook and everything. I need it to get me to learn from past mistakes and keep me from making them over and over again. Seriously. How many times can I accept being treated like crap. UGH. I would go off one someone who kept returning to the same stupid crap. Holy cow. I give up! I am no longer trying to accommodate or make others happy. I am happy but I just need to focus on me...I cannot give any more to people who don't 1. Accept what I give, 2. care, 3. give me the time of day. There it is. Ok. Time to learn, get passed it and move on and don't look back! LOL See...the program is working. I just need to vent and hello happy is back. It isn't worth it. I know this. I just hate it when things don't work out that I try so hard to make good. You know? Anyway, thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration and tired crap. I hope everyone has a great night. I will! I will be sure of it!

catching up with an old friend

In my quest to find out more information about that potential job, I contacted a few old VLK friends to see if they could tell me anything. I spoke to a couple via messenger and last night I spoke to one of my favorite people in the entire world. It is amazing what happens when you speak to someone who really cares about you as much as you care about them. He makes my heart happy. I am glad to say my husband loves him as much as I do. :) Anyway, it was so great to talk again. It has been too long. He is doing well and we talked about a lot. We mostly spoke about this job possibility. He said when he saw it was posted he thought of me immediately and said that has to be my dream job. He said that job for me would be the equivalent of him getting a K9 job for the Steelers. Yep. Just like that. He said he hopes it happens and that I go for it. Life is too short to be miserable. We should do what makes us happy. Right. That right there...honestly, that is it. Money is nice but it isn't everything. I am not really sure what would happen if I got this opportunity. Would I take it? Should I? Who knows. I would love to have to weigh that decision. Anyway, I am all smiles today thinking about last night. I'm sure after hour 12 today I will be dragging ass. When I signed up for 14 hours today it seemed like a good idea. LOL

Exciting stuff!

I am excited. Not only do we have 9 days until WDW but I applied for a job at Disneyland. Its for K9. I even spoke to someone about it at length. I am kind of excited about it. I realize other people are putting in for it and I might not get an interview but...if a job could be perfect for me, that is it. Of course I am not sure what would happen if I was offered the job. I am not sure about anything if that situation becomes reality. Yikes. I am still excited! That might be crazy but I think it would be an amazing adventure to move across the country. I do not know a soul in that area of California. lol Other than that, the WDW trip is coming fast. I can't believe it! I am excited about that too. My costume is almost finished. I am taking the wig to my hairdresser to have her cut it. I know if I do it I might look like a mess. LOL Anyway. I am starting to realize I don't need much to be happy in life. I think that is amazing. I have been noticing I look at things a lot different than I used to. I realize some of the issues I thought were me in certain friendships, aren't me after all. It just is what it is. Maybe people don't put as much value on the same things as I do or treat people the same way or give as much. Its cool. I can only worry about me and I will keep doing what I do. I don't expect anything extra from anyone. Hopefully one of these days someone will surprise me. :)

Great week and its almost Friday!

This week has been a little crazy but a lot of fun overall. Tuesday night was the best! We had league practice and our team invited some additional people. We get there and we get three lanes, me, my sweetie, Angie and her boys, my cousin Amy, Kay, a friend and his sweetie and a friend from my work. It was so much fun. I ended up getting a 166 with the new ball which is excellent. We even got Amy and Kay's sweetie to stop getting gutter balls. We didn't leave the bowling alley until after 9pm. Needless to say, I couldn't get up on Wednesday so I took the day. The pictures and videos from bowling practice came out pretty good. It is obvious we were having a blast! I love my team. Anyway, other than that things are pretty good. Work is looking at a 24/7 schedule which is crazy. I am not sure how I can make that happen when we don't have enough people. Ugh. My mom is here visiting which is nice. The dogs will be super happy to have her around during my work hours. She is recuperating from surgery she had last week. She goes home next week and then I will see her a week later in Florida. Today makes us two weeks out for Disneyworld. Holy Cow that came up fast. It will be great. I have been looking forward to it forever. I need to get away. Anyway, have a great Thursday!

Difficult

This not mentioning certain friends is proving to be difficult as a lot of my drama is from them. LOL I have learned a lot from that...don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for them and the stuff they put me through. Anyway. I am finally back on Isagenix. My clothes were looking pretty bad there for a minute. YIKES. I need to lose this little bit I put back on. I am 30 days into my Healthy Mind and Body program and I still love it. It has made me look at everything in a totally different way. The biggest change is that I have more energy when I wake up. I am only a few days into Isagenix so I know it isn't from that. Work is bearable. I am doing the best I can and keeping to myself. Hopefully that will get me through. I plan to get back to the gym soon. I need to go and get rid of some stress. I have been clenching my teeth pretty badly at night. I'm trying to think what else is new. I got a new bowling ball and I am really not good with it lol. I am going to practice tonight to try to improve before Friday night. Wish me luck!

Life is...funny

I just completed my Healthy Mind and Body assignments for the day. Life is funny sometimes. I had to write out a statement to someone I am grateful for in my life. I also had to list three people who are role models for performance for me. Life is funny because someone I thought was an issue for me ended up being someone I find myself being very grateful for. Maybe it is because of how hard I have worked dealing with them or maybe it is because after a decade of me trying to push them away, they are still here. Ironically, they were also one of my performance role models. They have been a beast in the gym and the gains are showing! I want that. I want that determination and drive. I want to need the gym again. I miss it. I have been very happy with this program but this week is honestly kicking my ass. I am so tired. When I am not tired, I have a headache which is worse. Ugh. I just want to sleep all day lol. Unfortunately for me I am working tomorrow. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to have that opportunity for the extra hours. I just need to rest. I am hoping on Sunday that I can just stay in my pjs all day lol. Not kidding. Next week will be busy at work but I hope to find time to relax. I am hoping to see my mom which will be great. Anyway, have an amazing weekend! Talk to you next week.

Wednesday!!! Half way there!

Today is Wednesday and usually that means we are half way to the weekend. I am lucky enough to be working OT this weekend. It seemed like a good idea at the time lol. Anyway, I am going through detox headaches so that is super fun. At least I am back on track. There are only 21 days until Disney! Tonight we are going to the bowling alley for some practice time. I totally need it. I am getting a new ball drilled for fingertip so we will see how that goes. We are currently in 11th place which is not good. I joined for fun but one of the teammates is super serious lol. I didn't want that stress. Anyway, just thought I would check in. Have a great Wednesday!

Monday morning

Good morning! I woke up energized and happy again which is awesome. Unfortunately once I drank my shake, I am feeling nauseated. Yuck. I hope it passes. I cannot stay at work with this gunbelt on feeling like I am going to throw up. Day one is rough so far. Anyway, on a more positive note, I have been progressing nicely. I am loving the program, today is day 22 I believe. I feel more at peace for sure. I made a positive decision to just do my thing and not concern myself with others. I will still care for my friends and family, I just cannot be concerned about their negative behavior or outlook. I can only take care of me. If they become more positive, I will welcome them with open arms. Otherwise, I cannot try to be in their lives if they won't make the time for anyone. I have improved a lot with technology. I have been leaving my phone in my car or bag while out with friends. I want to be present. My attention span is small enough without extra distractions. I am just about done with my Halloween costume. I am excited for the Disneyworld trip and to wear the costume to the party. It will be a blast. The trip will be awesome and the kids will have a great time. Anyway I better get back to work. I just wanted to update everything. Have a great Monday!

Things are happening

Well I am beyond happy to report that there have been some major changes in my life. Things that used to be on my mind a lot aren't any longer. That alone is huge. The other changes are that I am back on my healthy eating, I am focusing on the positive, not dwelling on things and pretty much letting those little annoyances of work go. My house is clean, I am more organized, I am doing my best at work and working on my vision board for the future. Today's Healthy Mind and Body video talked a little more about the deception phase which is where I am. The video suggested that I try to work on my vision more. To change, you must have a positive and vivid vision, good self talk and positive body language. The video said the following about vision: What I focus on I find. What I focus on seems real. What I focus on grows. What I focus on, I ultimately become. This is so true. If you focus on what you don't want to be, you usually become that. You have to focus on what you want. This makes total sense to me. I am looking forward to the rest of this program. It will be my new way of life and I will continue to learn and grow. It is so exciting!

Happy, procrastination and doom

I am 29 days out for the Disney trip. I have to get back on track! I keep putting it off. Typical since I am in the deception phase...I am allowing "Ellen" to procrastinate. I need to kick Ellen in the butt and get moving towards my goals. My mindset is almost there. Off topic, 9/11 is coming up fast. I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaked out about it. I just feel like I don't want to be at work that day. Of course, I have no choice. I am just concerned. I hope everything goes well and that my DH and I go home safe, which is my hope for every day. I just get edgy as the date comes closer. I apologize in advance for that.

Friends, fun and procrastination

I am on day 14 of my Healthy Mind and Body program and I am still loving it. I continue to progress and really look at things differently. Loving it! Yesterday was a great day. We went to a house warming party for someone we work with and I had a really good time. I know it is important to be present and be there for our friends. After that we went to RVA to play Cards Against Humanity. OMG. So fun and so awful lol. Again, awesome to spend quality time with friends. Got home a little before 4am lol. Today I am supposed to be cleaning for my family visiting Tuesday. I cleaned up the yard and straightened up. I am trying to convince my DH to go for an adventure...road trip in the jeep lol. Typical procrastination on my part. Have a great day!

Enthusiasm!

Today I logged into my Healthy Mind and Body program for my daily assignment and I have to admit I really like it. I love the Rod Hairston videos and the assignments. I love understanding why I am programmed the way I am and how this is going to reprogram my way of thinking. It already has. I wake up happy and excited and its very different from before. I understand how I keep adding to my vision each day which makes my desire that much stronger. I am excited. I know I will be successful.

Swollen eyes, old patterns, new patterns, changes

My eyes are so swollen. It has been a rough couple of days. I will attempt to explain what has gone on without too much information. I had yet another heated argument about my program and my alleged inability to learn. I am fully aware that I can learn and change or I wouldn't sign up for a 60 day program that reprograms old thinking and behavioral patterns. Long story short, I was told I was impossible, stupid, stubborn, a bitch, an asshole, an idiot, that I do not learn, to shut the fuck up, to fuck off, and I cannot remember the other stuff. Through this conversation I realized an old pattern that was connected to another one of my old patterns. I have an issue with rejection. I also have an issue with pushing people away that hurt me. Ironic...I push and they go which is being rejected. WOW. I am indeed a mess. But, I am not stuck there. Awareness is huge and now I will work on not pushing people away and actually telling them what I am feeling instead of just pushing them away. I internalize everything. I can handle it, I tell myself. But, I don't handle it. Eventually it gets to be so much that it all explodes all over me and whoever is in my immediate area. I realize it is codependency to think that I cannot burden others with what is going on with me. I want everyone to be happy. I need to start working on making me happy. I like being happy lol. When I attempted to work on my health and fitness in the past I was very positive about it and in turn, everyone I was around was positive and smiling and talking to me. Random hellos in the hallways of the building, etc. If you are projecting that positivism, it is contagious. I was able to reach amazing goals but I was unable to maintain it at that level since I hadn't adjusted my mindset and patterns. I know I will be successful this time because I am going to reset those old ways of thinking which will keep that self sabotage away. As of right now I am in the deception phase of this and my old ways are fighting this new program. It has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I have to push through so I will be successful in everything I begin. I started three vision boards so far in my program. I will probably add another just to cover all my bases. I know when you picture things, your subconscious starts to make them happen. I cannot wait for that to start happening!