Swollen eyes, old patterns, new patterns, changes

My eyes are so swollen. It has been a rough couple of days. I will attempt to explain what has gone on without too much information. I had yet another heated argument about my program and my alleged inability to learn. I am fully aware that I can learn and change or I wouldn't sign up for a 60 day program that reprograms old thinking and behavioral patterns. Long story short, I was told I was impossible, stupid, stubborn, a bitch, an asshole, an idiot, that I do not learn, to shut the fuck up, to fuck off, and I cannot remember the other stuff. Through this conversation I realized an old pattern that was connected to another one of my old patterns. I have an issue with rejection. I also have an issue with pushing people away that hurt me. Ironic...I push and they go which is being rejected. WOW. I am indeed a mess. But, I am not stuck there. Awareness is huge and now I will work on not pushing people away and actually telling them what I am feeling instead of just pushing them away. I internalize everything. I can handle it, I tell myself. But, I don't handle it. Eventually it gets to be so much that it all explodes all over me and whoever is in my immediate area. I realize it is codependency to think that I cannot burden others with what is going on with me. I want everyone to be happy. I need to start working on making me happy. I like being happy lol. When I attempted to work on my health and fitness in the past I was very positive about it and in turn, everyone I was around was positive and smiling and talking to me. Random hellos in the hallways of the building, etc. If you are projecting that positivism, it is contagious. I was able to reach amazing goals but I was unable to maintain it at that level since I hadn't adjusted my mindset and patterns. I know I will be successful this time because I am going to reset those old ways of thinking which will keep that self sabotage away. As of right now I am in the deception phase of this and my old ways are fighting this new program. It has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I have to push through so I will be successful in everything I begin. I started three vision boards so far in my program. I will probably add another just to cover all my bases. I know when you picture things, your subconscious starts to make them happen. I cannot wait for that to start happening!