Beginning in September

I will no longer post about issues with my journey. I will keep friends/whatever out of it. I will focus on the positive happenings and the actual journey itself. I realize I am currently in the deception phase. It is where old habits show up. Excuses, doubt...it clashes with the new thinking, the new habits. Instead of letting it happen, I need to push back, be excited I am here and I need to resist the old habits and push on. Stay focus. Its hard but I need to get through this for the long term changes to happen. Imagine what you want. Picture it. Your unconscious mind cannot tell the difference of what is real and what is not...give it something worth becoming.

how did this happen

I don't know what happened. Yesterday was yet another happy and great day. I texted with a friend and it went down hill fast. I honestly do not understand what happened. I can't really get into too much information as they are angry at me and told me this blog is stupid and that I should get real help. Ironic that I have been doing so much better with everything. I realized I had been trying to put everyone first instead of me. To a fault. I was trying to fit into some "perfect" mold for each person which is exhausting and you end up losing yourself. No wonder I don't feel like I matter sometimes. I wasn't even considering myself at all. That is changing now. It might not be for the best for everyone but I cannot concern myself with that anymore. I value myself and what I care about is important to me. Its funny when people think you should do something that might not work for you and when you tell them that, you are a problem and you will never get better or learn. I'm not a moron. I learn. I have to look at it before reacting. I am all about impulse and I have been working hard to make solid decisions based on facts and not just going with my emotional reaction. This is a big step for me and I refuse to go back to my old ways. I've been on my new medication for a few weeks now and have not had any adverse reactions until last night. Something that was far from my mind, I was suddenly accused of thinking. The longer I was told how messed up I was and how wrong I am with everything because it isn't the way someone else likes it or does it, the more it was like that idea made the best sense. Then I tried to reason with myself...make a list of reasons it isn't what I should do. I drew a blank. Creeping lower and lower, the tears were never ending and I was being told that I need to take care of it. I don't believe the person knew what I was thinking on the other end of the phone. Needless to say, I called my doctor and was told to stop taking the medication. I have been trying so hard to make people happy and have made myself miserable in the process. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of happy moments. I just think that internalizing everything is going to kill me. I have the feeling of impending doom. Maybe it is the fact that six police officers were killed in the line of duty in six days. One just gassing up his vehicle. What kind of society feels that is ok? Why would we put this badge on to help a society that spits in your face? Its a very trying time to be a police officer. Its very trying to go to work every day into a hostile work environment where people are trying to push everyone else around and treat them like shit. Where you work your ass off and get shit on daily. For what? I might not be blogging about this stuff any more since I was told it wasn't helping me and blah blah blah. I have nobody reading it which is great. I am just getting shit out of my head and out there. If someone tells you they care but are pushing you as you are standing on a ledge, what do you do with that? On one hand only one person would know what happened - why it happened and that they pushed me into the blackness, the hopelessness. On the other everyone else would be shocked and saddened, no clue I was in that hole, not being able to come up with one reason to climb out. How awful. Yet, how amazing that the same horrible codependency that has screwed up so many relationships and the way I view myself is the same codependency that again has taken that weapon out of my hand. Actually, I was so low I didn't even go for one. I just wanted to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. I would hate to have been on the opposite side of this situation and have the alternative happen. I would never forgive myself. I sent one last message because I didn't think they realized I had backed into a corner and was at this very critical crossroad. They blew me off. They thought I wanted them out of my life and that I will keep making the same mistakes. Push. Jump. Pull. Thankfully I thought of my friend, Roger. I realized I have been given the gift of time. He didn't have that. He reacted to a situation right there. I thought about that. So, I had time to step back for a minute and realize this wasn't me. They are wrong. I am not done here. I might be over the police situation but I have a lot to give. That person might not want it, but a lot of people do. If you have someone going through some shit, or just seems hopeless, don't push them. Tell them good things. I needed them to tell me why they care, not tell me how my way of dealing is wrong, that I make mistakes, that my program is crap and nothing will ever change. If someone feels like they have no reason to go on, you shouldn't agree and give them more reasons to think that. How dare you judge and tell me my way is wrong. Its wrong for you. Yeah, because you have been so successful with your way. I try so hard to be everything they want yet nothing is good enough. I could look like Christmas Abbott and be perfect with everything and they would find fault or still decide that I don't deserve their time...like it is more valuable than mine. I get that if someone bends over backwards for you, they don't respect themselves which is difficult to respect but damn. Treat them like you are friends. Be there to talk them off the ledge, back into a safe place, don't convince them to jump. I have no idea what to do with this. I have no idea how it got here. I know I am not going to do anything stupid. I am going to continue with my program and really work on things as planned. I have been trying to make someone happy for over a decade. they need to make themselves happy. I realize they aren't going to make me happy. They don't consider me at all. They don't make me feel like I matter, they don't value my opinion, they do not compliment me, they listen to respond and usually one up, they are always picking me apart and are angry and just don't have time for me. They win. I can't make them happy and I am going to stop trying. They have invited me to do something once in almost 11 years. Once. Yeah. I am worth it. I have a lot of gifts to give and I am going to continue doing my thing. It makes me happy most of the time and it seems to do the same to those around me.

Things are changing!

Ok so other than the headache I have had all week, other things are changing. I got rid of the headache last night which is great. The big change is that I woke up happy. Seriously, this might sound like no big deal but it is actually huge for me. I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and in a fabulous mood. This is awesome. Just feeling great when I got up has fueled me to feel that way today, period. I would think it is safe to say that my program is working. I realize I am only on day five of 60, but it is still awesome. I am looking forward to our league meeting tonight and seeing my BFF's kids. They have been gone all summer and I miss those little smiling faces. I'm all set to have a great weekend. I hope you are too!

Forgot to post about the weekend!

This weekend was Angie's 40th bday. She had plans after work on Friday already but Saturday was great with me. We went to a movie, had lunch, went to Digz and bowled. It was great. I had a lot of fun and she did too. Then the friend that I was unsure about had texted me asking to hang out. Literally that has never happened in the 10+ years we have known each other. I had plans and was not going to alter them for them since they would never do that for me. I am just amazed they thought of me. Quite happy they did. I hope my not coming to hang out has not jeopardized it happening again in the future. Anyway, that is all I missed. Have a great Monday!

Day 1 of 60

Today I started my new program. I was able to complete a few written (computer) assignments that took just a few minutes. This is very important. I will complete the 60 days which pretty much reprograms you, enabling me to reach my health, fitness and overall life goals. Today was based on fitness, nutrition, mindset and why. I know this is going to help me stay on track and be more positive. I am so excited to get this started. I am looking forward to tomorrow's assignments already.

Healthy Mind and Body

My cousin is starting her 120 day challenge again. I am up for at least 90 days. There is a Disney trip in that 120 days lol. Ironically she emailed me today about a new program called Healthy Mind and Body from Isagenix. It is a daily commitment to get your mind, nutrition, fitness, energy, gratitude and performance all one the same page. In just a few minutes a day, you will get everything to balance out and make it easier to get to that goal. I am all in. I just signed up! Plus it is a win win, because you get a coupon after the program that is for more than the program costs! Awesome. I think it is exactly what I need to keep on track. That paired with my new medication should make it happen. I am excited and cannot wait until Monday. I can't remember the last time I ever said that. Anyway, have an amazing weekend! I will!

Happier and happier

Yep, its Thursday. I will be finding out how my bowling league did this summer in about an hour. I am excited LOL. I hope we did as well as we think. Regardless I think its awesome that my DH and I did well considering we are new. I am happy with any winnings coming my way. Speaking of happy, I am feeling much happier. I started looking at things a bit differently today and I think I will stick to that. I realized a while ago that I don't need all the stuff I have. I am fortunate to have a good paying job and a place to live, etc... It is all stuff and stuff does not matter. Its nice to have but I don't need any of it. Obviously this isn't news to anyone. The news is that I think I just need to live every day as a gift since it is. I am here, I am healthy, I am loved. That, right there is enough. The rest is a bonus. I am going to do my little thing and do it to the best of my ability. I am going to be kinder to myself which has been quite a struggle but I can't blame my childhood for everything that holds me back. After all, it is me that is doing it. I need to let all that go and move forward. :) I am also going to make this transition a lot easier by changing a few words in my vocabulary. I am going to replace I have to and I should to I get to. It is more positive even when it comes to working extra hours. I get to work overtime which will enable me to pay my car off faster.

So tired

I worked last night and could not get to sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm to come in early shift today and I am already dragging ass. Not good. I am probably going home in a few hours to go back to bed. I work nights the rest of the week so at least I will get some sleep. I am taking one of my best friends to the beach this weekend for her 40th bday. We both need to get away and the beach sounds perfect. I'm going to keep today short and sweet. I have a follow up dr. appt today, about my anxiety. It seems to be a lot better. I'm not dwelling on most things or letting things destroy me like they used to. Maybe I just ran out of fucks to give lol

misunderstood

A friend of mine totally misunderstood me this weekend. I was making an observation about something and they said I was complaining. I immediately felt like I can do nothing right. It made me question why we are friends. I am actually not sure if we should be. They make me feel bad about myself most of the time. That is not a way to live. They of course say its me and that they are just trying to point things out that I need to work on in order to be better. I guess it hurts because none of my other friends do that. They love me for me. They support me. Isn't that what friendship is about? This friendship goes back over a decade. I hurt my friend a long time ago and we didn't speak when they had a devastating loss in their family, I was not there for them. I feel guilty about it to this day. I have apologized 100 times, cried about it and have begged for forgiveness. They have forgiven me. I have not forgiven myself. I feel like I have not been good enough to be forgiven and accepted back to my former friend status with them. I can't do anything right. I say the wrong thing, and act the wrong way all the time. Its exhausting. Walking on eggshells and never saying what I mean is not a way to live. I am a recovering codependent. I hope I am not holding on because of codependency. I feel I would suffer a great loss if they weren't in my life but also I would have a weight lifted. Ugh. I have no idea what to do. I am sure they are in the same boat. It brought me to tears just yesterday. I try to be who they want me to be and it is too hard to do that. I realize they do not expect me to do that. I know they care about me and consider me a friend but I will never be at the same friendship level as before I hurt them and it kills me. I would do anything to go back and deal with them differently, years ago. Anything. As it stands, I do a lot now to try to be a good friend. I take time off, make time to visit and I get barely any of their time in return. I don't feel important or that I matter. Its very confusing when someone's words do not match their actions. I know I have like two people who read this and that my friend is not one of them. Perfect example...I guess I know what I should do. It just hurts to know I failed at this friendship and I have literally put myself out there, bending over backwards to make it work. They told me I am my only limit...that I hold myself back. I doubt they realized they were the one part of my past that I refused to let go. I wish I could go back. I wish I didn't hurt them and that I was there for them when they needed me. I wish I was still in their heart. I wish they cared as much as I do. I wish they would fight to stay friends. I wish they gave me the same considerations I give them. I wish they wanted to spend more time together. I wish they made me feel good about myself like they used to. I wish they understood what I need. I wish they realized how good I treat them. I wish this didn't come to this. I wish. I wonder if I have it in me to do this or if I will just keep trying to be whoever they wish I was.

Hostility

Last week one of my coworkers sent me a series of emails that were anything but civil. He accused me of harassing officers and a number of other things. Little does he realize that I do the schedules and answer to the main office when our schedule is not adding up. When I assign officers a task and then find out they aren't even here, there is a problem and that task doesn't get done. My asking where they are isn't harassment, it is accountability. I have to answer to the higher ups about these things. This is not a job that I assigned myself. It sucks. Regardless, I have to do it and deserve to know where the personnel are or what their hours are so I can report it. This coworker even went as far as to say something to his squad about it. I am guessing that is what happened. I worked his shift last Friday and they treated me like a disease. One guy talked to me out of three. Oh and one unfriended me on facebook. Asshat. I don't really care about the facebook thing since I am "friends" with people on there that I do not even like. Anyway, today I am much calmer about the situation but still annoyed about the people ignoring me. I don't want to leave the unit but I don't want this to be a constant struggle.

What is going on?

My BFF got me thinking. She said she had never seen me like this and that she didn't like it. That she wanted her Sarah back. I'm with her. I don't feel like me either. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get so emotional. I need to regain control and move on. I'm not sure what it is. I feel like my ADHD is out of control. There is so much chatter and noise in my head...cannot keep my thoughts at bay. Is it anxiety? Depression? What? Ugh. All I know is that since I have been back from our trip, my eye has been twitching and my ears are ringing. I am not happy here. I have to figure out what I should be doing because this is no longer it. Its not even the job. I love training dogs, I just don't get to do it. My job isn't hard, the people are. I have been in a male dominant field for over 20 years and I think I need some women in my life. LOL I am working on being more positive, which is causing me to deal with negative stuff head on. It isn't the most fun but it is the only way to get through this. I'm thankful that Angie is with me on this journey. She is going to help me a lot. I know she will be my friend no matter what. That seems to be difficult right now. I have had issues with one friend that seems ready to bail at any moment and I just find myself wanting to open that door for them so they can just go. I am pretty sure I need to get my ass back to the gym next week. I miss my guys. I have to get to work. Have a fabulous day! Dr. apt today to find out what is going on with me. Fingers crossed.

Rocky start to the month but great weekend

August is getting better. Had some issues with a friend but ended up having a great weekend. I didn't go in yesterday. Originally I had leave and was going to cancel it because plans fell through but I needed the day anyway. The weekend was fabulous! I got to hang out with my bestie, watched a couple of movies, went to dinner and went to Digz. The weather was superb and perfect for a drive with the top off of the jeep. Without the normal humidity, it felt like we were back in CA. I wish. I shouldn't wish but I do. I am so ready to go. The arguments with my friend have made me want to fast forward to CA and not having the stress of one way relationships and my job. It can be a clean break from all of it. I mean I realize I can pull that trigger now, but I am hopeful that things will change for the better. Optimistic to the core. I don't expect it, I just hope. The movies. We saw Train wreck and Pixels. OMG - we laughed so hard at Train Wreck that others were laughing at us. LOL. It was too funny. The sad thing is we might have to see it again to see the parts we missed due to laughing for 10 minutes straight. The part about the best sex of your life guy not being the guy you marry and that he is the guy in jail almost had us pee. LOL. Totally an inside joke on why we almost peed but funny, none the less. The other movie was Pixels. That was great too. Not a great movie overall but if you are a gamer from back in the day like I was, you will love it. They showed many of my favorites, Dig Dug, Joust, Pac Man and Donkey Kong. I have also decided I need to really get serious about Isagenix. I am spending the money yet have fallen off the wagon due to stress, laziness, depression, whatever. Doesn't matter. I need to get back on track. Today is cleanse day and I just need to make this happen. I will be happier and feel better if I do. Thankfully, I have a massage today. I need it so badly. I plan to go home and crash after that appointment. Have a great day and I will be back tomorrow or Thursday.

Hello August

I'm hoping August is a better month. I had a rough week. Coming back to work was difficult enough but then one of my friends canceled plans with me and I was heartbroken. We haven't hung out since April and I miss them. Looking at the current situation, I am not optimistic about August either. I just get a little down when things get cancelled since I look forward to seeing friends. It's a bit of a downer. I usually plan something else and it's fine, though. Now that I am back to work, I am back to the gym. I will just get my focus back and work on me. I just need to focus on me and things will improve.