how did this happen

I don't know what happened. Yesterday was yet another happy and great day. I texted with a friend and it went down hill fast. I honestly do not understand what happened. I can't really get into too much information as they are angry at me and told me this blog is stupid and that I should get real help. Ironic that I have been doing so much better with everything. I realized I had been trying to put everyone first instead of me. To a fault. I was trying to fit into some "perfect" mold for each person which is exhausting and you end up losing yourself. No wonder I don't feel like I matter sometimes. I wasn't even considering myself at all. That is changing now. It might not be for the best for everyone but I cannot concern myself with that anymore. I value myself and what I care about is important to me. Its funny when people think you should do something that might not work for you and when you tell them that, you are a problem and you will never get better or learn. I'm not a moron. I learn. I have to look at it before reacting. I am all about impulse and I have been working hard to make solid decisions based on facts and not just going with my emotional reaction. This is a big step for me and I refuse to go back to my old ways. I've been on my new medication for a few weeks now and have not had any adverse reactions until last night. Something that was far from my mind, I was suddenly accused of thinking. The longer I was told how messed up I was and how wrong I am with everything because it isn't the way someone else likes it or does it, the more it was like that idea made the best sense. Then I tried to reason with myself...make a list of reasons it isn't what I should do. I drew a blank. Creeping lower and lower, the tears were never ending and I was being told that I need to take care of it. I don't believe the person knew what I was thinking on the other end of the phone. Needless to say, I called my doctor and was told to stop taking the medication. I have been trying so hard to make people happy and have made myself miserable in the process. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of happy moments. I just think that internalizing everything is going to kill me. I have the feeling of impending doom. Maybe it is the fact that six police officers were killed in the line of duty in six days. One just gassing up his vehicle. What kind of society feels that is ok? Why would we put this badge on to help a society that spits in your face? Its a very trying time to be a police officer. Its very trying to go to work every day into a hostile work environment where people are trying to push everyone else around and treat them like shit. Where you work your ass off and get shit on daily. For what? I might not be blogging about this stuff any more since I was told it wasn't helping me and blah blah blah. I have nobody reading it which is great. I am just getting shit out of my head and out there. If someone tells you they care but are pushing you as you are standing on a ledge, what do you do with that? On one hand only one person would know what happened - why it happened and that they pushed me into the blackness, the hopelessness. On the other everyone else would be shocked and saddened, no clue I was in that hole, not being able to come up with one reason to climb out. How awful. Yet, how amazing that the same horrible codependency that has screwed up so many relationships and the way I view myself is the same codependency that again has taken that weapon out of my hand. Actually, I was so low I didn't even go for one. I just wanted to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. I would hate to have been on the opposite side of this situation and have the alternative happen. I would never forgive myself. I sent one last message because I didn't think they realized I had backed into a corner and was at this very critical crossroad. They blew me off. They thought I wanted them out of my life and that I will keep making the same mistakes. Push. Jump. Pull. Thankfully I thought of my friend, Roger. I realized I have been given the gift of time. He didn't have that. He reacted to a situation right there. I thought about that. So, I had time to step back for a minute and realize this wasn't me. They are wrong. I am not done here. I might be over the police situation but I have a lot to give. That person might not want it, but a lot of people do. If you have someone going through some shit, or just seems hopeless, don't push them. Tell them good things. I needed them to tell me why they care, not tell me how my way of dealing is wrong, that I make mistakes, that my program is crap and nothing will ever change. If someone feels like they have no reason to go on, you shouldn't agree and give them more reasons to think that. How dare you judge and tell me my way is wrong. Its wrong for you. Yeah, because you have been so successful with your way. I try so hard to be everything they want yet nothing is good enough. I could look like Christmas Abbott and be perfect with everything and they would find fault or still decide that I don't deserve their time...like it is more valuable than mine. I get that if someone bends over backwards for you, they don't respect themselves which is difficult to respect but damn. Treat them like you are friends. Be there to talk them off the ledge, back into a safe place, don't convince them to jump. I have no idea what to do with this. I have no idea how it got here. I know I am not going to do anything stupid. I am going to continue with my program and really work on things as planned. I have been trying to make someone happy for over a decade. they need to make themselves happy. I realize they aren't going to make me happy. They don't consider me at all. They don't make me feel like I matter, they don't value my opinion, they do not compliment me, they listen to respond and usually one up, they are always picking me apart and are angry and just don't have time for me. They win. I can't make them happy and I am going to stop trying. They have invited me to do something once in almost 11 years. Once. Yeah. I am worth it. I have a lot of gifts to give and I am going to continue doing my thing. It makes me happy most of the time and it seems to do the same to those around me.