misunderstood

A friend of mine totally misunderstood me this weekend. I was making an observation about something and they said I was complaining. I immediately felt like I can do nothing right. It made me question why we are friends. I am actually not sure if we should be. They make me feel bad about myself most of the time. That is not a way to live. They of course say its me and that they are just trying to point things out that I need to work on in order to be better. I guess it hurts because none of my other friends do that. They love me for me. They support me. Isn't that what friendship is about? This friendship goes back over a decade. I hurt my friend a long time ago and we didn't speak when they had a devastating loss in their family, I was not there for them. I feel guilty about it to this day. I have apologized 100 times, cried about it and have begged for forgiveness. They have forgiven me. I have not forgiven myself. I feel like I have not been good enough to be forgiven and accepted back to my former friend status with them. I can't do anything right. I say the wrong thing, and act the wrong way all the time. Its exhausting. Walking on eggshells and never saying what I mean is not a way to live. I am a recovering codependent. I hope I am not holding on because of codependency. I feel I would suffer a great loss if they weren't in my life but also I would have a weight lifted. Ugh. I have no idea what to do. I am sure they are in the same boat. It brought me to tears just yesterday. I try to be who they want me to be and it is too hard to do that. I realize they do not expect me to do that. I know they care about me and consider me a friend but I will never be at the same friendship level as before I hurt them and it kills me. I would do anything to go back and deal with them differently, years ago. Anything. As it stands, I do a lot now to try to be a good friend. I take time off, make time to visit and I get barely any of their time in return. I don't feel important or that I matter. Its very confusing when someone's words do not match their actions. I know I have like two people who read this and that my friend is not one of them. Perfect example...I guess I know what I should do. It just hurts to know I failed at this friendship and I have literally put myself out there, bending over backwards to make it work. They told me I am my only limit...that I hold myself back. I doubt they realized they were the one part of my past that I refused to let go. I wish I could go back. I wish I didn't hurt them and that I was there for them when they needed me. I wish I was still in their heart. I wish they cared as much as I do. I wish they would fight to stay friends. I wish they gave me the same considerations I give them. I wish they wanted to spend more time together. I wish they made me feel good about myself like they used to. I wish they understood what I need. I wish they realized how good I treat them. I wish this didn't come to this. I wish. I wonder if I have it in me to do this or if I will just keep trying to be whoever they wish I was.